I was recently looking at some old photos, and I came across a bunch of me from when I was at my lowest weight in my adult life. At the time, I was waking up early to do super hard workouts, severely restricting my food, and following very rigid meal plans. I'll be completely honest with you, I miss that body.
Moving into the intuitive, eating space being along rejecting the diet mentality and learning body acceptance and neutrality. But, it doesn't mean that all thought processes and images, and above an ideal body, go away. They are deeply ingrained beliefs that were instilled in most of us from an early age. So, I will fully admit that looking back at those pictures makes me think of the time that I was a lot more thin. It was fun going shopping and having all my clothes fit me. I also loved getting compliments on my body which fueled my obsession with diet and exercise. But what I don't miss, is the feeling of being a prisoner to my own rules and restrictive ways.
There are many problems with being really restrictive and over exercising, but one of the big ones, is that whatever you're doing never feels like it's enough. You can always find a flaw in your body to "work on". And while striving to be a healthier versuon of yourself isn't necessarily a bad thing, it can creep out of control when you begin to have unrealistic views of yourself and believe, despite your true size, that you are too big or too small.
Now, even if you don't think you're damaging your mental or physical health, just the shear amount of work, time and isolation that diet culture brings is enough, in itself, to kiss it goodbye. I can remember that it got progressively harder to maintain a certain size. Now I know it's because my body was getting better at protecting me from starving. Fghting against your natural body size is incredibly exhausting. While you are enjoying fitting into a smaller pant size, your body is desperately countwracting your efforts to gain back the weight that it lost; thinking that's it's well being is being threatened.
As I begin to navigate incorporating movement and more nutrition back into my life, I tread very cautiously as to not trigger the old thought patterns of wanting to shrink my body. I now recognize that those ways of thinking did not serve me well. While my intake of vegetables may have been higher, so was my anxiety around losing control around food or missing a workout and that's not a way I want to live.
So, it's okay to acknowledge the feelings of sadness as you grieve a figure or abilities that you once had. Know that the trade off may be better long term (mental, physical, and emotional) health as well as a better sense of control, improved relationships, less wear and tear on your body, and a whole lot more satisfaction with what you're eating.
I'd say it's worth it.
Comments